Date: 2009-07-02 21:44 Subject: Communication Security: Public Mood: Tangled Up And In Tears Tags: acceptance, alex, communication, complications, love

I am not the talker in my relationship.

When I have an issue, I let it tumble around in my thoughts until I can sort it all out, unravel the troubles I bring upon my own self, and then continue along my merry way. Not exactly something that is conducive to a relationship.

Sharing my feelings is something I'm entirely unused to.

Tonight, I went and read every single letter that I have ever written Alex, but never sent. As I read, I noticed a pattern of two sentiments repeating. "I am trying." "I love you, that is the only certainty I know." The second is completely true. I love Alex and that is truly the only certainty I have in my transient little life. He has been let into my heart, my thoughts, and my life further than anyone else I've ever known. Still, it's not enough. I need to push to give more because the more I give, the more I wish to retreat and I stand frozen between what I feel I need and what I want, knowing that I have to let go entirely in order to have everything. It's terrifying.

The problem is me.

This is difficult for me to admit. That there is an issue and it falls completely on me and my lack of communication skills.

For Alex, there is no middle ground. There is no partial communication. That isn't enough. There is no vapid sharing of unimportant thoughts. That isn't where the depths of secrets Alex's wishes to plunge into dwell.

I poured everything into this relationship until Alex requested a break. Two weeks, he told me. Since then, everytime there is a rough patch I brace myself for him to leave. I don't want him to go. Quite the contrary, I love Alex more than I have ever loved anyone and the absolute last thing I want is to lose such a precious gift.

Alex is tired of being patient. I am tired of being pushed.

"You -will- learn to talk to me." He tells me when I ask for some sort of compromise. Space to sort out my thoughts and then return with them written down, a script of sorts, but it doesn't seem like it's enough. It doesn't seem like anything is enough. It has to be his way. There is no middle ground to stand upon.

Where does that leave us?

Together,
Ally