Date: 2009-12-07 12:42 Subject: Pearl Harbor Security: Public

Did you know today is the anniversary for Pearl Harbor?

I feel as if I should hug a veteran, bake cookies, or host a dinner for friends in honor of this event. It's what I do for military 'holidays' to try to honor those who have come before and thank them for their service.

On the note of thanking:

My dad was in the airport with three hundred of his closest friends when he splintered off for something to eat. Then, a lady with what he describes as a "Kentucky Derby Hat" came up to him and said: "I just have to hug you." and proceeded to squeeze up on him.

I now take back everything I've ever said about Southern Airports being crummy, inconvenient, and filled with employees having an attitude of lassitude.

Sincerely,
Ally

P.S. Alex is spending the day in the airport too.

Date: 2009-12-06 20:11 Subject: Secrets Security: Public

Secrets

One suitcase
only for secrets-
tucked into a ouch pocket,
pressed in the corners,
one ligt and liquid suitcase
filled with tiny unspoken tales.

And I will carry it
to the other side of the ocean.
I will carry it
so no one knows
what I hold.
Because its cargo is more precious than socks
or pajamas.
Because a secret is a ticket
and without it
the trip would be
too lonely.

-Naomi Shihab Nye

Date: 2009-12-05 15:03 Subject: Dark Day Security: Public

Today is a dark day.

What do you do when both halves of a whole are crumbling apart?

Seperate, but equal, and while the break down has nothing to do with the bond between them my question still remains.

What do you do?

Sincerely,
Ally

Date: 2009-12-04 15:03 Subject: It's December Security: Public

It's December. My dad leaves tomorrow and at the moment he is having some much needed father-son time with the baby brother. I haven't really had father-daughter time, but I accept my delegated role as the eldest and allow the baby to have the things I don't.

My thoughts have taken a darker turn.

At this moment, from a pragmatic standpoint, I'm looking at what life with Alex would be like. For the first time in our relationship, my view is objective in lieu of my very subjective nature concerning him. He is frustrating to the point of my infuriation. He is demanding until I give up and lose all hope. He is a great many good things as well, but in my darker moments I'm looking at what life with Alex would really be like instead of some idealized vision of two redheaded girls running in circles around the back yard on a sunny day with a fresh jar of bubbles and a new box of chalk.

The military I grew up in has changed and the Army is very different from the Air Force.

Oh, there are still military functions, mandatory fun, or obligatory dinner parties for the single Airmen (Privates?) in what will be his troops, and I will do all of those marvelously. No, really. This isn't vanity. I know what to do. I am good at it. Plus, I have a lovely smile after years of braces. Okay, maybe that last one was vanity.

As I was setting the table this week for a small gathering with friends for my father, my mom walked over and hugged me.

"Alex doesn't know how lucky he is."
"Of course he does, Mom."
"No, sweetheart. He really doesn't. Maybe he will when someone compliments him or thanks him for your hospitality and cooking on some holiday, but he doesn't know how lucky he is."

I was a little taken aback by that comment. He does know how lucky he is, doesn't he?

And here is the question that arose from all of this that I still don't have an answer for.

Do I feel lucky?

Unsure,
Ally

Date: 2009-11-26 10:49 Subject: Take Two Security: Public

This morning, I recieved a very kind email that has prompted me to try this thanksfulness deal again. Like another take, if my life were a movie with an awesome soundtrack.

Things I Am Thankful For:

1. Alex. We've had an interesting year, both up and down, but I'm grateful for the adventure he has brought into my life and just him in general. When things are good, they are amazing.

2. My dad is home for this holiday. It's sort of a big deal, since it took four days of travel just to get here for fifteen days only to turn around and go back to a war zone.

3. A new friend of mine, named Daniel. He's ridiculously smart and doesn't point out my terrible habit of ending sentences in prepositions. Personally, I think he's destined to be a professor or work on solving the economic troubles of the world (How does Iceland sound as a start?).

4. Cookies. I love the heck out of cookies.

5. My new job. It's just a holiday position at a retail store, but I'm hoping to be hired part time in January. I've worked darn hard!

6. Best friends. I cheat and currently, I have two. These two guys are aweomse listeners, fuss at me when I'm being an idiot, and remind me to be patient when I think that it is impossible to be so. Plus, they laugh at me when I do stupid stuff.

Well, my Dad is standing at my door fussing at me for writing this instead of helping.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

Sincerely,
Ally

Date: 2009-11-25 23:52 Subject: And Then, You'd Love Me Less. Security: Public Tags: baby brother, family

As I've said here many times, I grew up in a rather transient life with people filtering in and out of my life with very little constants. My parents working constantly, I became the mother figure in my little brother's life who cooked dinner every week night (and some weekends when my dad was away and my mom was working the weekend). I went to his every soccer game and was nominated 'Den Mother of the Troop' for his Webelos group. What's Webelos? Boyscouts for third graders. I walked him down for his twice weekly practice of soccer, rode with the coach and his son along with my baby brother if my parents couldn't make it (because I didn't have a car) and checked homework every single night. Every night I read to him or tried to get him to read to me and for almost two years straight, I volunteered in his class room reading to his class while the teacher wrapped up for the day (And what little kid wants to learn for the last forty minutes of the day?!) just so I could walk him after his school since mine ended earlier than his. It didn't help I had a chore list for every single day of the week and since the baby brother rarely felt like doing his list, my chores were doubled because if they weren't done it was my fault. If his homework wasn't done, it was my fault. If he failed a spelling test, it was my fault for not helping him study enough.

Everything that was important to me was put on the back burner.

And then, my mom became a meddling stay at home. And then, my dad was gone more than ever.

So, you see, not even my family was constant in my life. I only moved closer to them because my little brother asked me to. Once again, I put someone else first in my life.

Just once, I'd like someone to put me first.

At this moment, I'm trying to make a list of things to be grateful for in my life, but what is the point? Everything is a grain of sand or a drop of water. Soon gone. Soon lost in the vasty emptiness. Soon no longer in my posession. What's the point?

That's why I want to be a writer. Books were the only constant in my life. I truly do not need a single person and I'm solitary by that nature. Who else could there be to rely on?

But, what I want more than anything is someone to stand by me. The dichotemy between being perfectly happy alone and having so much love bubbling up waiting for the right person to come into my life and give it to.



I suppose what I really want is someone to tell me that I'm not alone in this world.

Heard the song on the radio today:

OH, WHY YOU LOOK SO SAD?
TEARS ARE IN YOUR EYES
COME ON AND COME TO ME NOW
DON'T BE ASHAMED TO CRY
LET ME SEE YOU THROUGH
'CAUSE I'VE SEEN THE DARK SIDE TOO
WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
NOTHING YOU CONFESS
COULD MAKE ME LOVE YOU LESS

I'LL STAND BY YOU

I won't post the full lyrics, just the part that evoked an emotional reaction. I hate to let people see me cry or even know that I have the ability to cry. I was always told it was letting them win, when I cry. Alex tries to tell me it's not a weakness to cry, and I'm hoping he's right.

So Much to Confess,
Ally

Date: 2009-11-20 23:22 Subject: Gives Me Hope Security: Public

Lately, I've been feeling a little empty.

Yesterday, my father came home. Two weeks and he'll be back to where he came from.

Today, I came across this website: http://www.givesmehope.com/ and spent most of my morning reading it.

Tomorrow, my parents are leaving so my father can visit his grandmother.

Tomorrow, I have to work.

Monday, I have a 2 page paper due that I can knock out easily.

Monday, I have a draft of a paper due in my poetry class and that's not really going all that well. I'm stuck and hating this assigment. Choose a poem published in the past three months and analyze it through mythological, post colonial, or marxist school of critical thinking. Yuck. It's sucks and makes me wonder if this is really what I want to do with my life.

Wednesday, we're having Christmas. Merry Christmas, you guys, because the tree is up and my father is home. I'm selfish and wish Alex could be here, but I selflessly hope he has an absolute blast hanging out with his best friends over Thanksgiving weekend. Last year, he had to stay on campus, so I'm very excited he gets to come someplace homey this year.

And that's what is going on.

Whirlwindy,
Ally

Date: 2009-11-19 00:05 Subject: Aftermath Security: Public

I accidently mistyped the title, at first, and it said "Aftermatch" which got me thinking. After match? After the match? This picture of an entire forest laid to waste at the dropping of a match and the after math of the after match is a little like my relationship at the moment. Well, that's a little drastic. It's not a wasteland but what was once there isn't and reforestation will take some time. It's not a binary function, all ones and zeros, it's stages, steps, and sometimes annoying processes that require time and patience.

Since I don't have permission to post any part of an email I recieved, I'll just paraphrase. The comment arrived when I needed it most, just to me, in my inbox from someone I've yet to meet in person. This sweet stranger told me of the hope that Alex and I would work through our fight because when things were good between the two of us, from an outsider's perspective, they were pretty darn good. And, it's entirely true. When things are good between Alex and I, there is no one else on this planet I could think of spending my time with. Everything else? That's just all stuff. But time? That's precious stuff. I can't replace time spent with someone. However, when things are bad, I brace for the end. Literally, I prepare my heart and blockade my soul behind reinforced walls in the face of what I believe to be imminent doom. I've tried very hard not to do exactly that, but I'm human and in the life I've led, people leave.

People just leave, whether or not they want to, and it's a fact of my life.

Tangent: (Okay, I just have to say one thing. I thought my unplugged headphones was eminating white noise and I was starting to panic like the ghosts were trying to communicate with me or if I'm in the middle of a horror movie only to realize... -Are you ready of this?- It's raining outside. I am apparently crazy, you guys.): End Tangent

People leave (and that headphone thing was seriously scary for a moment). People leave and to believe that someone is going to stay in my life for a very long time is difficult to believe. My friends who grew up military understand what I'm feeling, but it's difficult to explain that to someone who simply didn't have that upbringing. How can you have faith that one person isn't going to leave you and be far away from you? Whether or not it's a choice or an order, that part isn't relevant, but it comes down to that no one and I mean absolutely no one has been constantly supportive of me except for me. I don't know how to rely on anyone because no one has ever been there for me to have that experience.

Alex gets angry and frustrated knowing that I have secrets, but who could I tell these secrets to? I already know them and I'm the only person that I know isn't going anywhere.

The only constant presence in my life has been my books.

Solitary,
Ally

Date: 2009-11-12 15:35 Subject: Switch Security: Public

I feel as if a switch has been flipped and I can't feel anything.

No anger. No sorrow. I can't even feel happiness. There is just this sense of emptiness.

My relationship with Alex is intact.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Listless,
Ally

Date: 2009-11-11 13:06 Subject: Text Security: Public Mood: Dead

A conversation in text from one of my best friends:

Ally, are you okay?
Nope.
Any better?
Worse.
Still on Greg Laswell?
Yes. Comes and Goes.
And which are you, Ally?
Goes. At the moment, I'm 'Goes.'
Try his song I'd Be Lying.
No Thank you.
As your best friend, I'm asking.
Tier one friendship request?
I have no idea what that means, Ally, but you should listen to it.
Later.
Now. And Ally?
Yes?
Have faith.
I'm all out.
I'm here for you.
I know, but I'm not okay.
I know, Ally. Just have a little faith.
In what?
In anything.

Here's the link if anyone wants to hear the song I'm supposed to listen to.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oM_al1-UeBA

All Out,
Ally

Date: 2009-11-11 11:26 Subject: Update Security: Public

I've been angry since Sunday night.

I have been so angry that I feel dead inside and that's not something I think I should post publicly.

Today started off good, I was feeling less angry and was working out what I wanted to say to Alex about the five hour fight we had Sunday night. He said some pretty mean things, there was what felt like a barely veiled threat given, and I've been silent on the matter.

I'm the imperfect one.

Everything that is wrong with our relationship is me.

I promised my best friend that I wouldn't make any rash decisions in anger. Lakenheath is good at keeping me calm. You see, I didn't want to publicly post why I wonder my boyfriend is with me where my boyfriend can read it.

And since we've both been busy with papers and tests, we haven't had a chance to discuss any of these things.

So, I'm sorry you guys for my continual posting/not posting drama. It's not you. You all are awesome.

It's me. I just have some PRIVATE matters to deal with that should be dealt with PRIVATELY because as strange as it seems to keep a public journal I value my PRIVACY.

Sincerely,
Ally

Date: 2009-11-10 13:22 Subject: Six Words Security: Public

My journal isn't safe. There are things I want to say, words I want to write, but I feel as if I can't and as a direct result, I have turned to my comfort of hand writing within a Mead Spiral notebook (Color Coded, of course.) the depths of my feelings.

There's a poem about children running around a field of rye that is located near the edge of the cliff. The children have no inkling of the potential danger. All they know is what is there around them, a field of rye. Whenever I stop for a moment to try and find some piece, my mind transports me to the edge of a cliff in a field of rye about waist high. I can see the danger, it is there, but there is some small part of me that wants to throw my arms wide and jump.

And seven words keep repeating within my mind: I am in need of a catcher. I think back to J.D. Salinger's character, Holden Caulfield, and I remember how clearly I related to his feelings at the age of thirteen as I read his story the summer I turned fourteen. My momma gave me the book. I tucked myself into the side of Bill and Annalee's hill just outside their mountain home next door to the hustle and bustle of my grandparent's home and just read. Sometimes, Annalee would bring me cookies or something other sweet but for the most part she and her husband Bill left me alone. Maybe she recognized the feeling of being alone, felt a kinship of the soul, or perhaps she just didn't care.

I recall a challenge or creating a story in just six words. It was a statement made by Ernest Hemingway saying his best story was six words. For Sale: Baby shoes. Never worn.

Since I cannot write my thoughts here, I'll meet the challenge. Six words. A multitude of feelings, thoughts, and splinters of my fractured soul.

I'm in need of a catcher.

Because, it is you I love.

Why me? Why ever to me?

The expert at the fall. Always.

Is this love? I burn. I freeze.

How can something so beautiful hurt?

And still, the forgotten time burns.

Her name is Diana. She haunts me.

Three miserable parts to a whole.

I seek the remedy. Not you.

Yearning, this broken heart cannot heal.

Inner peace. What a f_cking joke.

In my silence I shall be.

What? It's never enough for you.

F_ck it. I'm sick of this sh_t.

Watch your every step. Thin Ice.

I don't think we should talk.

Go away. And stay that way.

Why am I the one wrong?

Imperfect. Tell me again. You'll see.

So much to say,
Ally

Date: 2009-11-05 23:32 Subject: This Is For The Lonely Security: Public

And there are times that I am alone.

I don't mind.

Mindless,
Ally

Date: 2009-11-03 23:18 Subject: Stuck Security: Public

Day three into the chaos and I'm stuck.

I'm too happy. I think that's what it is. I'm not depressed, trying to escape the world by creating a new and wild one with no laws, new laws, or old laws put into a time and place that no longer work stretching the argument to ridiculous fallacy.

I've started and abandoned three potential novels.

Want to see the latest failed start?

Begin Transmission:

“Do you know the story of Persephone?”
“Of course. Persephone was Demeter’s daughter stolen by the under lord Hades.”
“That’s one version of the story.”
“What do you mean?”
“Farming was men’s work. Tilling the soil, planting the grain, and harvesting are all labor intensive and not fit for the delicate hands of women. Especially in those days.”
“Women are just as strong as men!”
“Indeed. In today’s world full of machines. Not in the days where every act was done by a deliberate hand. Demetri tended the soil as a patron god to farmers until one day he was lured into the depths of the underworld by a beautiful maiden with silver white hair and pale blue eyes named Hades.”
“Hades was a man and I don’t know who Demetri is.”
“Of course you do. Demeter is Persephone’s parent.”
“Demeter is a woman.”
“In your version. Demetri stayed with Hades, trapped by her beauty, until one day she bore him a child. Unwilling to raise his only daughter amongst the dead, the hopeless, and the lost, he stole her away to the surface world to raise her as a human. Her name means ‘She who destroys the light’ and Demetri didn’t want her used as a pawn by the pantheon.”
“Are you trying to tell me that the Greek myths are true?”
“Certainly not. I am telling you that there are extraordinary beings out in the world that may have been mistaken as gods at one point in history who have descendents in today’s world.”
“And you think I’m one of those descendents. Is that it?”
“No. I -know- you’re one of those descendents. I -know- you’re Hades’ daughter. Whatever the trait that first child born of such a couple is gifted with, be it boy or girl, for all future generations that trait is passed down. For example, Persephone. Persephone is a girl. In this instance, every girl child born in Persephone’s line will be special.”
“What does that have to do with me?”
“You’re the girl child.”

-End Transmission

So, there you have it. The last grand attempt at the 2009 brass ring. Ah, failure, you art one bitter succubus searching out ideas to steal away while feeding on all the potential no longer possible due to your heartless squandering.

Tomorrow is another day, in thirty-five minutes. Maybe, tomorrow will be better.

Stuck as Something That Rhymes with Stuck,
Ally

Date: 2009-11-02 07:58 Subject: Time Security: Public

Alex is encouraging me to do National Write a Novel Month. Fifty thousand words between yesterday and the end of November. I'm thrilled, honest to goodness happy, that he is supportive and awesome and just all around amazing concerning my writing.

It is just a consideration of time.

1. My Dad is coming home for a visit.
a. The house needs to be perfectly clean before he gets here. (It's not. Trust me. So Not.)
b. My room needs to be impeccable because his best friend is staying here with his German Sheppard. Also, I need to fur proof my room. If I don't want fur on it or in it (Like afghani blankets or a quilt my great grandmother finally gave me after I told her that I know she loves me less and now she's griping to everyone but me about that night.)

2. I GOT HIRED! It's only a holiday temporary position, but there is a possibility of being hired after the holidays to part time. It's temp to hire. I'm so excited! I'm thinking that if I get hired then I'll switch over to retailgirl or something along those lines.

3. Writing is draining! I tried to explain to Alex that when you write, you pour everything into the blank page in front of you. Your life force literally, be it emotions, soul, tears, whatever it is, 'it' is being poured out draining you of 'it'. Plus, writing 1667 words a day is a lot when I have other papers due and lots of reading with homework as I'm approaching the end of the semester.

I may start over or I may outright abandon my piece, but I'm going to at least make an attempt.

E for Effort,
Ally

Date: 2009-10-29 23:57 Subject: It's the Blaze Security: Public

Originally, I heard this song about six years ago. I had come across it, quite by accident, somewhere on a peer to peer downloading site called wickedwings or darkreel or something else just as esoteric and fakely poetic.

Her name is Kristin Hersh and her voice leaves me filled with this shadow. Maybe it's the song. The idea of someone's ghost following you around. Not the literal idea of phantasmagoria, but the figurative haunting of one soul by another person. I know that feeling. I spend my days haunted by someone who lives nowhere near me and there are moments half asleep and half awake that I would swear on my very twisted soul that he was right beside me. Except, he's not. I am alone. I am in a relationship and I am alone.

Even now, in this warm darkness under the glow my laptop with no sound but my typing keys and my steady breathing, I half expect Alex to walk in at any moment. As if I'm staying up just to steal a moment or two with the one I love before falling asleep.

Haunted,
Ally

Date: 2009-10-29 11:20 Subject: Foot In Mouth Syndrome Security: Public Tags: alex, happiness, love

I carefully choose my words.

The only time that my words come without bidding is when I'm feeling some strong emotion be it anger, excitement, frustration, and it is in those moments that I try to keep calm and continue to choose my words carefully. Sometimes, I manage to succeed and since I'm human like the rest of us the rest of those moments are wrapped up ingloriously and inelegantly.

Today, I put my foot in my mouth. Badly. Oh so very badly.

Alex and I are coming up on our one year anniversary this Saturday. Exciting news, right? (YAY!) Well, a year is a long time and I wanted to to a quick relationship checkup. We're still on the same page about x, y, and z because there's no point in wasting your time. If I'm not the right person for you, then being with me is preventing you from finding the right person.

What I said was 'No point in wasting another year.'

What he heard was 'This year was wasted.'

So not true! This year has been amazing. I've met the absolute love of my life, met his family, had him meet my family, and I've been on more adventures in this past year then the prior four years combined. I've experienced truly awe inspiring moments, pushed myself to my limits, and have softened my hard heart back to its natural tender state.

And now he's upset with me.

Today sucks. First, he hurts my feelings and now I hurt his.

Feeling Crummy,
Ally

Date: 2009-10-27 11:05 Subject: Questions Security: Public

Well, I have recently been emailed some interesting questions and as I don't have much to report on the 'how's life going?' front, we'll all just retreat to a 'meanwhile, back at the ranch' stance while I answer some questions.

If you have any that weren't answered, you can leave them in the comments.

1. Is Alex real?

The last time I checked, yes. Granted, redheads are pretty rare creatures these days and good guys are an endangered species, but Alex is very much real and very much amazing. That being said, he is still a boy and is prone to saying or doing things that causes frustration. I feel very lucky that for the majority of the time we are on the same wavelength.

2. Where did you go this summer?

Alex took me backpacking in Central America. I haven't really written much about it because I'm trying to forget the three day death march along a black sand beach in stifling heat. No, I'm not kidding. Thirtyfive miles in three days. It was fifteen miles just to get where we were sleeping that night along with the return hike of fifteen miles, plus a day hike and some extra hiking. Why? Well, just because you leave the park, doesn't mean you've reached your final destination.

3. Does Alex still read this?

I don't know. In a gesture of honesty, I told him that I was poking around here again because I know if I hadn't outright told him and he discovered it for himself, he'd be upset as if I was omitting something important like dinner's ready or an impending zombie attack.

4. What are you dressing up as this year? Did you remember Halloween is this Saturday? Why aren't you excited about Halloween this year? Why haven't you posted anything about it?

Apparently, I'm obsessed with Halloween and it's been noticed that I haven't exploded in black and orange this year. Halloween is still my favorite holiday. Even more so because it is Alex's birthday. Even more so because it is our one year anniversary. It's just difficult, because the only place I want to be that day is a fourteen hour drive away and I can't be there. I bought a costume, I'm considering dressing up as Dorothy, but none of my friends in town are like me and excited about Halloween. Well, not in the sense that I am. Let's all get together, carve pumpkins, and sip wine? Pass. Let's all get together, get dressed up wild, and go dance until something rips? Count me the frick in! It's really the one night of year I usually let go. I've been invited over to Ohio by the Pediatrician to be his cheerleader for the 'Run Like Hell' five kilometer run this Friday followed by a Halloween party on Saturday but I spent my birthday with him and that wasn't fun. He's a nice guy, but not the guy I want to spend my anniversary, favorite holiday, and boyfriend's birthday with.

5. Have you heard back about the coffee shop or the retail position?

Nope. Still being jerked around for the retail position and the coffee shop said they weren't hiring it was a miscommunication. I'm calling foul play on that, they put an ad in the newspaper that it's a recruiting time and then tell me it was a miscommunication? Not kosher. That doesn't stop me from loving their hot chocolate, though. However, I placed an application at a different retail store and have been requested to come in for an interview. I'm supposed to recieve a phone call sometime today or tomorrow to confirm and interview time for Thursday and I'm really excited! It's only a holiday temporary position, but the manager said if I did well through the holiday season then she would consider hiring me part time.

Well, that covers the questions emailed to me. Have any more? Post them in the comments!

Later Gator,
Ally

Date: 2009-10-22 00:30 Subject: Talk Security: Public Tags: alex, insanity, love, sanity

Since the distance impedes much along the lines of what people in normal relationships do, Alex and I talk. We talk usually once a day but like with all things, there are days where we don't speak at all (Not from malice or anger, usually, but mostly because we're just busy people.) and some days where we speak even more than once a day.

I recall a day, when he was still trying to win my heart, where the two of us literally spent twelve hours talking to eachother. Granted, on his part, it was a bid to undermind the pediatrician (Which I really didn't see.) and to supplant the man I was casually seeing but not committed to. In fact, I was searching for committment. Alex convinced me that I wanted it. He's very persuasive that way.

We've been talking about deep and dark subjects lately.

Still waters run deep, after all.

However, with the darker memories I treat them as heavy burdens and let them sink into the depths of my thoughts. Away from light, from consciousness, and away from me never to be thought of and hopefully forgotten over time. That's not what Alex wanted from me and the process was emotional and painful for me, but I couldn't quite seem to convey that clearly or objectively or whatever it was, I couldn't get through to him. What changed? He had time to think and to realize the reason I'm a sunshiny and happy-go-lucky person who isn't bothered by my past is because I let it stay in the fast and fade away into obscurity. Without that, I can't sleep and I'm literally driven to insomnia where my days are filled with dark circles and bloodshot eyes from crying myself to sleep if not every night then at least every other night. I was in all meaning of the words: An Emotional Wreck.

And then, Alex released his hold and stopped dredging up my painful past. Slowly, the memories began to sink back down into the depths they belong. There are a few lingering ones that will drift back into darkness, but there is a sense of peace and relief in my soul that I haven't felt for months. Yes, months.

I'm not a secretive person but there are things better left alone and, unfortunately, I have many unhappy and painful memories that need to be left alone. Not because I'm trying to hide them, but because I'm trying to protect myself. It's just easier not to remember.

In another week or so, I'm hoping to be back to my happy-go-lucky self again.

Sweet Dreams,
Ally

Date: 2009-10-17 23:33 Subject: Rules Security: Public

I have a list of rules for myself concerning this journal.

1. Don't tell anyone about this journal.
1. Don't post in anger.
1. Definitely don't post in irrational frustration.
2. Don't post when less than completely and utterly sober.
3. Don't post really deep private personal details about family.
4. Don't post about things I should talk to Alex about first.
5. Don't whine about Alex when I should talk to him first.

And finally the most important rule.

6. Don't break the rules. That's how heartaches happen.

Right now, what I'd like to do is whine about Alex and write out this entire entry in irrational frustration. Really, it's what I'd like to do.

You see, I've been asked to be emotionally vulnerable and share my thoughts, feelings and the rest of that mushy crap with Alex because apparently that's what communication is about. However, it's a little difficult to keep doing that when it feels like everytime I do he makes a joke out of it and I'm left feeling uncomfortable. It feels like we're out of sync and I hate it. I hate it so much it makes me angry sometimes.

I spill my guts about my father not approving over the fact that I want to be a writer. I confess this to Alex and ask him what he thinks because his opinion matters to me. I value his opinion. On my end of the phone, my heart is splitting because I'm the black sheep and just feeling like no one has any faith in me and what does Alex do?

I don't want to go there.

I'm trying not to break my rules.

Structured,
Ally